Don’t panic-buy toilet paper until you’ve used this online calculator (to see how full of kak you are)

It’s everyone’s worst nightmare (apparently). Not massive illnesses and clogged hospitals. Not a lack of essential foods. Nope, apparently in the mini-apocalypse, we’re mostly concerned with not being able to wipe our bottoms with the fluffy stuff. But do you really need 231 rolls of toilet paper at home?

As usual, the internet provides us with all the information we crave. Dare you find out how long your bottom will stay clean?

DON’T. PANIC.

Website homemuchtoiletpaper.com has the answers you should seek before you head out and do any more panic buying. Or your first round of panic buying. Or it’ll just tell you how overstocked you are after filling your Pajero with 2-ply last week.

All you need to do is hit up the site (above), put in how many toilet rolls you have at home and then how many times the bathroom is used in a day. It spits out figures based on a 14-day quarantine, five wipes a session, and two sheets a wipe. Oh, and it assumes 140 sheets in a roll by default.

Since South African toilet paper varies between 200 and 300 sheets, you’ll have to head down to the Advanced Settings tab to get accurate answers about your (apparently) over-productive bowels.  There you can set sheets used, sheets in a roll, how many in your family, and a few other things besides.

Basically? You’ll go through a roll a day with a (nervous) family of four, meaning you really, really didn’t need to buy that much toilet paper. Check for yourself.